Cinderella

Remember the story of Cinderella? She was a young girl who was the superstar of a princely ball. The prince fell in love with her but at the stroke of midnight she lost her shoe as she ran from the castle. The prince searched all over the kingdom to find her. He tried the shoe on every woman until the shoe fit. And they all lived happily ever after.

Great story but its old stuff. Now if the story were written today, it would go something like this:

As soon as the prince found the glass slipper he contacted security. They immediately activated the “CARRIAGE TRACKING SYSTEM” to locate the coach. Unfortunately, the system on the coach had been compromised when some mice ate through the wiring and shorted the computer.

The prince called the Real Good Intelligent Agency Real Time TV Monitoring Agency who began to search for a photograph match of the faces that had been secretly obtained by the hidden cameras in the palace. Unfortunately, Cinderella had been through an “Extreme Makeover” just to attend the ball so her photograph was not in the database.

Next the prince contacted the Real Good Voice Recognition Agency to compare a recording made of Cinderella’s voice from a secret microphone implanted in the prince’s jacket. Unfortunately, when Cinderella got her makeover her voice was changed too. Sadly the Real Good Voice Recognition Agency identified the voice of another person who “appeared” to be a close match. But he turned out to be in the Himalayas climbing mountains during the ball.

Next the prince gave the slipper to the Real Good DNA Database Agency who was certain they could find a match. Unfortunately, the DNA in the slipper had been contaminated while in storage. It seems that as a result of big tax cuts benefiting the prince and a few of his friends, the storage facility locker space had been reduced and all the slippers were stored together in a pile behind the facility.

The “Real Good Information Agency” told the prince they had interviewed someone who had direct knowledge about the affair which he had obtained from someone else who had an unconfirmed and unsubstantiated source for information about something. The informant’s name was “Screwball.” Unfortunately, no one was able to locate him.

Next the prince began a series of investigations to determine who was responsible for the inability to locate Cinderella who was now known as the missing woman of the dance (WMD).

The Real Good Carriage Tracking Agency said they were clearly not at fault; the Real Good Video Monitoring Agency said they had done all they could; the Real Good Central Voice Recognition Agency said they had some information but it didn’t reach the upper management levels; the Real Good DNA Agency said they were under funded but were still working the problem; the Real Good Information Agency said they located a lot if screwballs but none were the right one. Unfortunately, they all agreed that someone else was responsible.

Then the prince announced that another ball was to be held and when Cinderella showed up wearing just one shoe, the prince knew he met his match.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a big fall

All the King’s horses and

All the King’s men couldn’t

Put Humpty together again.

But have you ever wondered:

Why Humpty was sitting on a wall? Why did he fall? Why couldn’t they put him together?

Well now for the rest of the story.

Humpty was sitting on the wall because he had just received a letter telling him that his health insurance had been cancelled.

Humpty worked for a manufacturing company for 35 years, never ever getting into hot water. He took an early retirement when his company closed and relocated to Asia, eliminating most of the local workforce.

The Bush administration applauded the company’s move claiming it would reduce costs to consumers and create more jobs. Humpty, who had always been thought of as a good egg, took the early retirement because it “GUARANTEED” he would have family medical insurance for the rest of his life.

Shortly after the Bush administration passed Medicare legislation creating a prescription program and allowing companies to cut funding of retirement medical insurance, Humpty received a letter telling him the company had decided to eliminate their plan.

At first Humpty’s wife thought it was a yoke and her thoughts were scrambled, but than she simply went to pieces and in the end she was only a shell of her former self.

Humpty wandered around for a while. Because he could no longer afford his medications he became light headed and had to rest on a nearby wall.

Sadly for Humpty, the town budget for wall repair had been cut because the state cut its reimbursement for wall repair because the Bush administration’s “NO WALL LEFT BEHIND” program had reduced its funding to the states.

Federal, state, and local wall inspectors had been cut from the budgets and wall inspection was now being preformed by a private inspection company.

Unfortunately, the company was located in a foreign country and the remote inspection service failed to adequately monitor the condition of the wall.

As a result of these cuts, the wall fell into disrepair just as Humpty sat down it collapsed and Humpty fell. He didn’t just go over easy … he had a big fall.

He was taken to the local hospital where he found a dozen of his friends were there for the same reason. Together they tried to hire a lawyer to sue all those responsible.

The Bush administration claimed the government was sick and tired of coddling folks who should have been more careful in the first place.

Alas, however, the Bush administration had finally passed legislation capping damage awards and Humpty and his friends were left out in the cold. They even considered building an Eggloo.

Fortunately though, the atmosphere wasn’t all that cold. The Bush administration refused to participate in the Kyoto Treaty, that would help reduce harmful emissions into the atmosphere or even consider the possibility that human activity could change the climate.

The Bush administration held secret energy police meetings to cover-up their actions. They argued that no matter how high the world temperatures rise or how high the ocean levels rise it would not be related to climate change.

These egg-headed folks even claim that any problem was caused by a previous administration. They claimed that they had never made a mistake but could feel the pain and deeply shared the sympathy.

Jack and Jill

This Fractured Fairy tale is a story we have all heard about a lovely young couple trying to make their way in the world. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. But do you know the story behind the story? Did you ever wonder why Jack and Jill went up the hill? Why did Jack fall down? Why did his crown break? Why did Jill come tumbling after Jack? What happened next?

Here’s the rest of the story. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water because the drinking water where they lived became contaminated with lead. Thirty years after the passage of the clean water act, many older towns and cities, like Washington, DC, still have lead pipes transmitting their drinking water. Many of these pipes are a century old.

Initially the pipes did not put lead into the water, but as the quality of the water used by these cities and towns decreased they increased the use if chemicals to make sure the water was free of bacteria and other contaminants, and these chemicals leach lead from the pipes. Newer cities may not have lead, but they do have other problems. San Diego and Las Vegas have rocket fuel in their water. The entire Colorado River system, feeding the whole southwest is contaminated with a chemical used in explosives that is also found on the Massachusetts Military Reservation.

Jack and Jill knew about the lead, but they could not afford a filtering system for their house to remove it because the local factory where they both worked had recently moved to China. They walked up the hill instead of driving because they could not afford the gasoline. The climb was difficult since the Bush administration had recently approved clear-cutting of all the trees on the federal land near Jack and Jill’s home, and the trail got washed out.

On the way up, Jack and Jill had trouble breathing because the Bush administration has eased EP regulations on the nearby coal-fired power plant, increasing mercury and particulate matter in the air. Fortunately, the smog in the air blocked most of the sunlight and they were not too badly sunburned. At the top of the hill they had to wait in line to fill their rusty bucket from a tiny spring. Unfortunately, the maintenance budget for federal lands had been cut by the Bush administration, and Jack tripped in a sinkhole at the end of the trail, dropping his pail and tumbling down the hill. As he reached the bottom of the hill, his crown fell off and smashed into a thousand pieces. Luckily for him none of the pieces cut him as they scattered into the dirt.

Meanwhile way up on the hill, Jill tried to catch the pail of water that Jack had dropped, but a defective handle broke off the pail and it landed on her foot, lacerating her toe and breaking four bones. Sadly, Bush had signed a bill to loosening safety regulations on bucket manufacturers (who made big donations to his campaign) and refused to disclose which companies served on the bucket safety committee.

Sadly, when Jill tried to walk she fell and tumbled down the hill after Jack. Just as Jack was starting to get up, Jill crashed into him and knocked him into the contaminated stream the Bush administration EPA refused to cleanup. The chemicals in the water burned their eyes and stung Jill’s laceration. Just as Jill was about to go under, Jack grabbed her hand and kept her head above the water, as they were swept downstream, which fortunately ran behind the local hospital. Understaffed because of budget cuts, the hospital kept them waiting for hours before they got any attention.

When their turn finally came, the first question they were asked was, “what is the name of your insurance company?” Of course, they had no health insurance because they had lost their jobs and the Bush administration didn’t consider universal healthcare to be of concern. The admitting secretary said that Jack and Jill would have to pay cash. Jack said that would not be a problem, but as he reached for his crown to remove a precious jewel, he suddenly became aware that the family fortune had been lost. They had no money. The admitting secretary said that if they were patient just a little longer the town would pick up all their emergency medical costs.

As soon as Jack was discharged from the hospital, they returned to their home, but since they had failed to make payments to the mortgage company, their house had been foreclosed and they had nowhere to go. They ended up in a shelter and began looking for jobs so they could start all over.